Nature Valley granola bars are absurd, and their popularity is unfair.

Take: This is the worst designed snack in the history of snacks and it somehow makes tons of money being awful at what it does.

Does that sound fair to you? It does if you’re stupid.

Let’s be real, Nature Valley granola bars taste pretty good, and they’re, like, not horrible for you. That’s literally all they have going for them.

I am obviously upset about the mess they make. Am I the only one? No, I am not.

Is there an excuse for this? Oh, yes, my friends, there are excuses, and they’re about as flimsy as a gypsy penny whistle. Behold the evidence I have uncovered as I unraveled the Matrix:

Exhibit A

Google autocomplete doesn’t lie. It tells you the future AND the past. Someone else was here before me, they looked too. Did they live? I’m not a doctor. What did they find? Well, a whole lot of bullshit.

This is such a problem, there’s even an apparel campaign.

Exhibit B

Yo dawg, your body is political.

I’m so enraged I’d have bought one to air my grievances, but they don’t sell Youth XL baby tees, so that’s kind of a deal breaker.


GQ- A MEN’S FASHION MAGAZINE HAS A GODDAMN ARTICLE ON HOW TO EAT THESE CREATING MINIMAL CRUMBS. Is your snack too messy? Maybe that’s a sign- when a major publication has to tell people how to accommodate you. Why are we enabling this? Why are we teaching society to tolerate this, like somehow, as with the iPhone with bad reception, oops, we were just using it wrong?

Exhibit C

Finally, this, from the Daily Meal:

Exhibit D

Again, this company is actually giving public explanations as to why its product in short, fails at the fundamentals of convenient food conveyance which is a pillar of the snack virtues.

That last line gets me: “There’s some sort of sweet nostalgia sbout snacking this way- covered in a dust of granola.”

Are you out of your fucking mind? Nostalgia for being covered in granola dust? What else do you think the past was like?

I’m going to go back to watching The Crown now, after I finish vacuuming.

SNL’s Pizza Ad- Brilliant

This has so many deconstructable levels that I could write an article on it. I mean, this is the forum in which to do so, and I’m not going to, but I’m saying I could.

So let’s just leave it at this: How ’bout the way the mom says “raccoon?” Adorable!

Anyway, SNL is killing it. Enjoy the video.

Somali Food in Denver at Mandeeq’s East African Restaurant

Thunder Queen and I dipped into this East African restaurant at the corner of Havana and Florida a couple of weeks ago for lunch. We wanted something different, so we got ourselves something different. That’s what bosses do.

Let’s go back to that word: different. Mandeeq’s was definitely different. Its decor was Chinese, from the walls to the plates. The menu had little in the way of any descriptions other than the types of meats you could order and the sides available.

But there was something familiar in that difference. Rather than being a strange spread of bizarre and unrecognizable foods, this was a mixture of many things recognizable, so don’t be scurred.

In fact, the pleasant surprise we found in this place was that in incorporates the flavors of diverse regions, from the Mediterranean Near East, to Ethiopia, to India. In short, one finds ingredients from all points along the spice routes connecting the East and West.

We found the soup we were served to be particularly succulent. It smacked of warm Indian spices and probably was based in a lamb bone broth. The meat was delicious. The leg of lamb I had tasted like it came right out of someone’s crock pot. I like that. I like that a lot. The vegetables reminded us of the kind you find heaped onto injeera in your favorite Abyssinian restaurant.*

I believe the bill was approximately $13.00-$15.00 each. I mention this because there were no prices on the menu. It was plenty of food, more than plenty, and it was well cooked and healthy tasting.

In short, don’t go for the decor (does anyone, really?). Go for the food. Catch a soccer game on one of the small televisions, and relax. The people are friendly and they know how to cook. Go hang out with them.

*I occasionally use outdated geographic terms. You should get used to it, because it’s not going to change, Burma.

A non-Terran’s Guide to Thanksgiving

I have done the anthropological research on this holiday for you. Voilà, my findings.



Thanksgiving was originally a holiday observed in the United States of America and Canada on Earth that enabled people to celebrate being thankful for what they had. It was still celebrated as of the 2370s.

…In 2266, the crew of the USS Enterprise were prepared to celebrate Thanksgiving. Captain Kirk was irritated because there was not any turkey on board the ship; the crew was going to have to eat meatloaf instead. Kirk was later informed that, while in the ovens, the meatloaf mysteriously transformed into turkey. This transformation was caused by Charles Evans, a boy with incredible powers. (TOS: “Charlie X“)

In 2372Benjamin Sisko invited the entire senior staff of Deep Space 9 to Thanksgiving dinner. The captain had been growing vegetables for months to serve at the dinner. A year laterMichael Eddington told Sisko that he thought his former commanding officer had added too much tarragon to the stuffing. (DS9: “Blaze of Glory“)


So my takeaway from studying the above passages about this regional Earth tradition is that it had something to do with a minor Divinity miraculously transforming meatloaf into turkey to feed the hungry.

While the source is not totally clear, meatloaf is made from ground meat, presumably of any type. If this was turkey meat, then this would have been a turkey ground down and reconstructed as a loaf of meat bread, then subsequently re-deconstructed and re-reconstructed into a turkey form.

Thanksgiving therefore is essentially an Earth holiday about the endless cycle of death and rebirth. Destruction and creation. See also: Lord Shiva.

A Guided Meditation for Dealing with Difficult Emotions

Life is always in flux. Every thought, feeling, and moment is quickly changing into the next. In the moment, when something feels difficult, it seems like it will never pass. The practice is learning how to stay with and turn toward the difficulty.

Carley Hauck at reviews the benefits of sitting with your emotions and training your own ability to be present with difficult emotions. Click here to read why and how to do this. Here you’ll find a quick ten minute guided meditation as well. Use it as a guide for working in this area. Keep it if ever you need that extra centering: something or someone to bring you back into the moment so you can focus your mind grapes* long enough to handle your biznass.

*If you do not recognize this reference, your practice is incomplete. (j/k, but 30 Rock is a great show.)

Colorado: Memories in Denver

Follow the link below to a story in a series by benmc47 :

A really touching part in a larger series that’s worth checking out. Besides the beautiful sentiments expressed, there are wonderful bits about the history of Colorado and Denver. Denver’s Asian communities have some pretty remarkable stories that I suspect are overlooked by the greater metro community as a whole, sadly to our detriment.

A Boy and His Dog is a piece of cinematic aggression.

The whole goddamned movie is on Youtube.

Something possessed me to re-watch this bizarre 1975 cult classic in the wee hours this morning, and I feel like I need to say something about this oeuvre.

Basically, this is the third time I’ve watched this movie, and my experience has gone something like this:

1st time- “Wow, this movie is crazy as fuck, and makes me really rather uncomfortable. “

2nd time- “Okay, I mean, budget-wise I’m pretty sure they had like one, maybe two hobo benefactors, and maybe a really sad yard sale, but credit where credit’s due. They made do with the money they had, and there’s actually something to this.”

3rd time- “This movie is a trenchant critique of the human condition laid bare in societal collapse. Every criticism you have of this film exposes only your ignorance.”

Seriously, you’re missing out on this weird af movie, so definitely consider it the next time you don’t mind watching something a little more, uh, difficult. According to The Portalist the short story on which the film was based also served as muse to the creators of the Fallout franchise. As we all know, Fallout is trill as hell, therefore, trillness by association.*

*I speak with some authority on the subject. I wrote this sentence on the couch while eating Barbecue Pringles at seven in the morning. I know cool. This is success.

The Man in the High Castle Season 4 Premieres Nov. 15

If you haven’t seen this show, November 15th gives you a week to get your shit together and watch the first three seasons. I don’t like shaming people for not having seen a show, and I’m not saying you’re a loser if you haven’t, but people are talking.*

*It’s okay if you haven’t seen it because you were watching The Expanse. That’s a Hall Pass.